*pause*
That sentence is a big deal for me to write.
You might be thinking: "So what, you're a musician, right? Isn't that what they do?" Well...yes. Generally, that's what musicians do. Perform. And enjoy it. Right? But this whole performing bit hasn't been a natural inclination for me.
Flashback to middle school years: I wanted to sing but was too nervous to sing for my parents, so I tape recorded myself and then gave them to the tape to listen to (but not when I was around!), to see what they thought.
Flashback to high school years: I loved being in Concert Choir and Jazz Choir...and I sang my heart out! But if you asked me to sing a solo....holy cow. I recall attempting my first real solo, a verse of "Somewhere over the rainbow." I was so nervous I could barely get any sound to come out. Like there was a clamp around my throat. I could sing, but you wouldn't really know it from that performance. It was like my voice would just sort of dwindle and disappear.
I feel stuff...duh, everybody feels stuff. For me it surfaces up and turns into music. I wrote lots of music, but mostly kept it to myself. I was very uncomfortable performing for people and kept all of it in a personal bubble. But obviously I want to express myself and want to be heard. Doesn't everyone? What is the purpose? To write it and keep it all to myself? What is music, if it's not to be heard? And why should I fear sharing it?
Well. This last year I decided I would not turn down any opportunities to perform in public. That's the most effective way I could improve. So I worked with a voice teacher and a piano teacher, sang in seminars, performed songs in other classes, played a full-length show on my own, and even joined a band to play keyboard. Heck, I played for thousands of people at OSUs Battle of the Bands a few weeks ago.
When I started doing these things I was really anxious, and was cranky at myself more than once, wondering why I had made such an excruciatingly uncomfortable goal for myself. I thought how easy it would be to just slide back into my old comfort zone and not have to put myself out there. But I just kept saying Yes. After saying Yes so many times externally, I believe I finally started saying Yes to myself on the inside.
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| Tuning-the-uke serious face, Bombs Away Cafe May 31st |
And I was kind of shocked at how much fun I had at my show and Battle of the Bands! Nerves were nowhere to be seen. This makes me so excited! Mmmff, I wish there was an emoticon for jumping up and down. I feel like I'm in the process of overcoming what had been a huge obstacle in my life. Now it doesn't seem so huge anymore, and I'm excited to see what comes next.
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| OSUs Battle of the Bands, 2012, playing with Voodoun Moi I swear I smiled at both shows! There just aren't any pictures of me smiling. lol |
In honor of this mental milestone, and also for practical reasons, I bought my own keyboard. This has been my first time purchasing a keyboard and I love it so much already!! I'm in WA right now, and I was pretty bummed to leave it behind.
The Korg SV-1, 73 keys:
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| Let me tell you, those knobs and buttons are so fun to play with |
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| Isn't it adorable?? |
...which I will be playing at my next show:
<3
p.s. here is a link to Voodoun Moi's performance June 1st: Voodoun Moi - OSU's BotB 2012
